10 Astounding Lies That Are OK To Tell Your Children

Fictitious characters that give you gifts and money or as I call them, “The Big Three”

Inevitably one of the first lies we tell our children is the tall tale of Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. A man exists who lives at the North Pole and he has a workshop full of toys that are made by elves. Every Christmas Eve he gets on his sled powered by flying reindeer to deliver gifts to children all over the world. And he does so at a speed that makes a Kenyan marathon runner seem slow.

The truth comes out in my house…

Both of my daughters took the news that these mythical people and creatures were fake in stride. My oldest felt like such a grown-up when she figured it out. My youngest quizzed us as if we were under interrogation by the FBI. She slammed her hands down on the kitchen bar one day and said: “Is Santa real or fake?” My wife and I looked at each other and answered back, “Do you really want to know?” She loudly answered “YES!” She was 7. “Let me take this one.”, I whispered to my wife. “So you want to know if Santa is real or not….he’s not, it’s us”. My daughter sat blankly staring ahead. Her response was “OK” with a shrug of her shoulders.

  1. She got a real appreciation for what we go through as parents to keep us this clever ruse. We were in Disney one year for Easter and had baskets and goodies shipped to the hotel so that when the girls woke up their baskets would be there. This blew her mind to think we went out of our way for them like this.
  2. I then got her thinking and asked her to rank the “characters” in order of believability. Her order was as follows — Santa, Easter Bunny, and Tooth Fairy. Her logic was that she can see Santa in the mall and that the Tooth Fairy always creeped her out because he/she took her teeth. So that left the giant bunny to naturally fall as #2. BTW…another lie — my wife used to tell my girls that the Tooth Fairy recycles their baby teeth and gives them to new babies being born to get the girls to brush their teeth regularly. You don’t want to be responsible for newborns getting rotted teeth now do you!!??

That pet really isn’t your original pet

Not only do we have to keep our children alive but often the responsibility of keeping their pets alive falls on us as well. Let’s face it, goldfish die pretty quickly unless you get that one stubborn goldfish you won at the state fair that grows up to be a foot long and lives for 10 years.

The car radio/tv is broken

Sorry girls “Daddy’s car doesn’t get Radio Disney anymore”. That’s right, I’ve said these words before and am not at all guilty about it. I’ve listened to more Hannah Montana when my girls were young than I care to admit. You can only hear certain kids’ songs and movies so many times before you’re labeled clinically insane.

You’re going to be a professional blah, blah, blah…

“You should hear little Elizabeth sing, she has a marvelous voice”. “Little Bobby is the best player on this whole team and he really should be playing at a higher level”. We’ve all heard these types of comments made by parents at every game, winter concert, or school event we attend.

It’s bedtime

Have you ever just reached the end of the parenting line for the day and decide to lie to your child and tell them it’s bedtime? It’s still light out, they just had dinner but we have no problem keep a straight face and bold-faced lying to them that it is in fact bedtime. This trick only works when your children are young. As soon as they start telling time you’re screwed and then have to resort to changing the time on the clocks in your house.

They don’t sell batteries anymore for that toy.

Every toy that my girls had growing up seemed to need batteries of some sort. If you opened my cabinets you’d find a supply that could power a small city. Unless of course, it was a toy that just got too annoying to hear over and over again. Those situations called for desperate measures and we’d often tell them that unfortunately, they don’t see the batteries for that toy anymore.

I’m leaving without you

“If you don’t hurry up I’m leaving without you”. Wait you’re leaving without me? You’re going to leave me alone in this mall by myself because I’m looking at toys and you don’t want to? This is one of those lies that have the potential to create years of unwanted therapy for your children. You’ll provide them enough ammunition for when they’re on the couch talking to their psychiatrist later in life, don’t make abandonment issues one of them.

I never did that when I was your age

You did EXACTLY the same things when you were their age and as a matter of fact, you did even worse things. Your child is not perfect and neither were you so don’t feed them a false narrative of your life. Children like to know that you made many of the same mistakes they did. It lets them know that they’re not alone and others have made mistakes too and learned from them.

We’re almost there…

All sense of time goes out the window when our children are in the car. That’s why every 10 minutes you’ll be asked “are we there yet?” Your response the first 25 times you hear this is…” we’re almost there”. Around the time this question is asked for the 26th time we begin to lose our mind and start to find creative ways to attempt to keep them quiet and stop the onslaught.

It won’t hurt I promise

If you’ve ever had to say these words to your child you know that about 95%-99% chance it will hurt like hell. If your child just crashed on their bike and their femur is sticking out of his/her skin you’ll tell them it won’t hurt as the doctor attempts to put the bones back together.



Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store